Tuesday, September 26, 2017

The Sum of all Jitters


 Monday, I leave my precious, beautiful and sacred bubble of Jim Thorpe for New York City to embark on my first week of Kundalini Yoga teacher training.  This learning adventure will stretch over the course of the next eight months. It's something that has been pulling at my heart for the last five years in terms of spiritual and physical evolution.


 And naturally with most new personal mega shifts or changes comes a tinge of fear. 
Yes, it's normal.  Don't use my words against me. But the 17 year old who lives somewhere inside of me sits up, batting her eyes so that I take notice.  She thanks me for honoring our future. She is excited for possibility and for helping others, always. But she bites her lip "even though we've come so far regarding our body image, even though we've done so much self love/self esteem work over the years, I'm still scared to wear white pants."

And I feel her..

It's not because I stain every white piece of clothing I own within moments of me wearing said adornment for the first time! 
It's hardly because I think people will think that I've joined a cult.  I'm so used to being the odd gal at this point.  It's most grossly the distant echoes of 'thunder thighs' that has both of us gulping despite the love we've given them, the time, the massages, the conversations we've had, the forgiveness, the self love affirmations,  the mirror work we've done - and yes, I do realize I'm referring to myself as we.

The duality pulls my heart strings;  the ego vs. the higher self,
the past vs. the present and finally
the excitement vs. disgust.

My ego has me swirling around the projection of my loved ones who fear  me getting mugged, a knee jerk reaction of small town folk vs. my higher self assuring 'I am supported by the universe because of the way things unfolded for this round of learning'. 
My old self, wonders where there will be room for mediumship in the future vs. the present: I just want to learn more tools to give to my clients for their ultimate healing.
And how freggin excited am  I to go to NYC and live and learn for a week something I've dreamt about and so crucial to my own healing that's so very powerful and will be medicine to bring back to my own community vs the disgust of any sort of doubt or fear creeping in whatsoever
plus....I have to wear white pants.

Yuk.
In Kundalini, wearing white is recommended to extended your aura three feet.  My butt extends three feet far enough. Translation: I don't look good in anything less than black really.

But Lord in heaven! There are so many bigger fish to fry, like the every single crisis being mentioned around the globe right now that disgust has me like - you selfish shit pickle.  Get the fuck over yourself.

Deep breath.  Then breath of fire. Getting over myself is exactly what I must do.
Even if I can't for the sake of the insecure 17 year old nudging me, even if for the fact that someone would judge me, I must move forward and learn these new tools to transcend my own bullshit despite years of working on my own bullshit, and to expand my mindfulness into proper energy filling my tool kit of healing knowledge with more medicine for all those brought to me from spirit to come.

 Have you tried Kundalini Yoga?  What do you think? Did you know that white is the sum of all colors?
Have you been so excited to try something but almost chickened out last minute?
Please feel free to share on the FB page here.
XOXO
Michelle

In 2008, I had postpartum depression. It was so severe that I had impending thoughts of doom, daily. "What if I left the stove on an...