Sunday, June 29, 2014

Planned Obsolescence

Planned Obsolescence
choking up landfills and robbing our wallets
but keeping jobs as jobs nonetheless
the agony and irony of industry
of economy
of capitalism
demand, growth, demand, growth, demand, money
overpopulation populating everything

if only farming were a big time dream
a less corporate enemy and jobs in the field were desired
people fantasizing about busting out of their grey nine to five cubicles plucking and pulling under a harvest moon swaying to whatever audible pleasure their ipods designed to fail after a certain time period provides

cars, phones, green, eco bio-buy-oh! Bullshit.
doing what you love and doing it right

lasting competence

would we? can we?
money, money, money

money's just energy they say
but it makes the world go round
drives men mad
same as love
same as sex

where's the pill that fixes any of this? all of this? magic mushroom
nuclear cloud
will we ever get out
from under
the idea
that more
is better
is better
is best

less is not simple
it's the solution.

Dear God,
Fix it.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Everything But The Bride.

At 2:30pm yesterday on a fine, sunny solstice day in Jim Thorpe, I stood clip board in hand cuing the gorgeously dressed bridal party to process as the horn's lifted and blew.  My role: stand in for the wedding planner.
Just hours before, I ran around with thumbtacks  beside the mother of the bride transforming The Mauch Chunk Opera house into the image she and her daughter envisioned for the wedding ceremony.  It was near flawless. As I stood in the sound booth admiring the lights and the enormous crowd that gathered for the sacred event and it dawned on me; I've literally been everything but the bride.
A little over two years ago, I wrote a pretty popular blog post 'I'm getting Married'.
I sincerely wanted to manifest the perfect partner. Since then as a Universal Minister I've joined over a dozen couples in holy matrimony.  My favorite!
I've also linked up with a dear friend, Tara Banniger of Jim Thorpe Weddings and Events who has put me to use as a bartender, Minister or support staff for the delicately and beautifully planned ceremonies she executes. Participating on the sidelines watching couple after couple 'couple up' the how, the when, and the why chokes me up every time. And all of the events are just exquisite.

But once that revelation entered my mind, on that perfect Saturday solstice in that sound booth, it was hard to leave me as one ceremony ended and I changed my clothes to head to another.

Over the years, I've participated in dozens of weddings as the soloist, burning bridesmaid (two long stories),maid of honor, caterer, wait staff, florist, solo attendee, bartender, Minister.

I must admit, I was never the little girl who dreamt of her wedding. Not the dress, not the 'prince charming' not the venue. Nope.  Not that girl.  I had a hard enough time being normal. But I supposed it pulls at my heart strings approaching 39 and never have been married.

Yes, I know. I heard you when you said it's not all that it's cracked up to be. I observed your eye roll.
I also know that half the people my age who got married almost ten years ago are divorced.
I get it. I do. But second and third hand I've seen why a great deal of relationships work and why most don't. I've chosen to surround myself with people (couples) who regard being in a relationship a gift and nothing less, who know that love is real and sacred and doesn't have to be a battle of the sexes or ego or opposing planets.

In the past five years I've seen sand between my toes and a location.
I have an idea for a dress and I'm guessing that this is what I missed in the dreaming process when I was younger.
Late bloomer.

One day.  Mom says.
One day.  I agree.
It's obviously not a life threatening desire but one that burns nonetheless.
I don't know that I need a certificate to say that I am legally attached to anyone but I do highly value the love, it's work - the best-friendship, possibility and great adventure that comes with the territory.  At least in my mind.

Until then, if ever...

Everything But the Bride.  MG

Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Dark Graces

Have you ever said that you were going to quit something like cigarettes, drinking,
overeating or coffee and you meant it you really did but you were slow to start?

In fact you may have been so slow to start on this
particular resolve that you actually went a bit backwards or back on your word.  
I'm talking about declaring you were going to quit this thing, this bad habit and instead you reversed further into the mire of your vice or addiction 
so that you could, you know, enjoy the final days of your (insert serious obsession here)?  

You're going to leave the days of excess (blank) for good because this, by far is 'the end'!

Or maybe you really kinda wanted to unconsciously over do it with said vice so that you would perhaps end up deeply resenting the specific crutch or tool you were using. I've come to know this or refer to this type of activity as the dark graces; sinking deeply into an addictive behavior after declaring you are ready to leave it behind.  

The dark graces puts you in a state of self inflicted physical pain so that the release of such action(s) is that much harder or sweeter to overcome.  
The dark graces consume you until you are ready and determined to elevate yourself to a cleaner or holier state of being.  Because somewhere along the way we learned that cleanliness is next to Godliness and too much of anything well, will kill you.

I've personally have experienced the dark graces with several vices: drinking, smoking and coffee.
There are times when I've battled my own intuition to stay away from such things because I felt that they were physically and emotionally messing with my day to day existence but I'd gorge myself instead so that I'd never touch them.  It's almost like getting alcohol poisoning from a certain drink or brand of liquor and the thought or smell of it makes you want to vomit.  That's what I'm getting at here. When I wanted to quit smoking, which I'd only smoke a half or one cigarette a day and buy a pack every three weeks when it came down to it. I over dosed for me upping the dosage to two-three cigarettes a day so that my mouth tasted like an ashtray and my breath was rancid.  Reverse psychology had nothing on my plan!  It worked. I haven't picked up a Djarum clove pack since January and when I asked a friend for one I almost choked.

But the dark graces can build you up for success or failure. It's slippery really.
It's just a matter of the story you have, the one that you tell yourself or anyone else who will listen when the words slip from your lips giving yourself permission to do the gluttonous dance with the monkey on your back.  
"I thought you were done with coffee?"  Mom says.  "I am but I just want to finish this really fancy, super expensive Starbucks bag that I spent a small fortune on and then I'm done. Don't want to waste money. Right?"

"Didn't you quit smoking?"  
"I did but I'm super stressed out with all this political stuff going on at work so once things calm down I'm guessing I can invest in the patch and work things out."

The stories keep us in the darkness. The place where it's comfortable and happy to ritualize even if it's uncomfortable. Grace however will allow yourself to honor this harshness as something real then forgive those moments of weakness, those actions that keep you from your personal victory and ascend to a more appropriate, perhaps healthier, mature version of yourself.

For me, I feel as if sometimes the dangerous waters of the dark graces are a necessity.  Because for some people it takes actually feeling the bottom of the barrel to actually realize there are no more options.  That by living in the story that gives us permission to act out is really giving in to a level of insanity which just keeps us circling the drain.  It's that much needed moment that we need to face as if when there is no place to go but up because the environment we created is so toxic and so necessary to dissolve with healing that anything else could and would be deadly.  

I'm not telling to you throw yourself deeper into any addiction by any means.  
I'm simply acknowledging a pattern of behavior within myself, several of my friends and clients that has been made aware to me and I'd like to take a flashlight to.  
Anyone with a serious addiction should consider professional help to ease you through your work and healing.  

I'd love to hear from you in the comments below or via email here. 

Be well my friends. XO

In 2008, I had postpartum depression. It was so severe that I had impending thoughts of doom, daily. "What if I left the stove on an...