Friday, April 18, 2014

I'm F*n Scared Out Of My Mind

I'm scared. I'm terrified.  
I'm busting out of my writers block 
with a mega truth bomb:
I'm afraid of success.

Gulp. Deep breath.  Yep.  I said it.
Now, I know what you are thinking; NO WAY!  
But it's a reality of mine that I've been pacing back and forth over getting blisters on my feet. 
I've hidden tucked away the past month under this new blanket of soul-knowing hoping 
this revelation is a bad dream.  
It's not.  
I'm terrified to succeed.

Last night, I was on a call with Bob Schaeffer, the fearless leader of the 
Blue Mountain Paranormal Team discussing an upcoming public investigation to which I was eager to offer my time at.  Bob politely reminded me how he's witnessed me evolve from the beginning of our relationship, a time when I did not want anyone to know that I saw dead people.  
I was terrified then too but more embarrassed than afraid.  
I was just learning how to really deal with being an adult, living a semi normal existence with an occasional sprinkle of drama and a dash of excitement. I was dealing with my break up with the greatest love of my life at the time, San Francisco.  
I struggled with the thought of being any more different than I already was because being being me was just damn hard enough.  And to top it off, I was unwed & pregnant.
Bob said he was recently discussing with peers in the paranormal field about how he's watched me grow from unwilling and somewhat skeptical of my own abilities to putting it all out there and actually allowing it to be.  
He reminded me that I surrendered to this thing that 
I couldn't run from or avoid and honored it as my calling.

It's the space between the surrendering, the who and the now that is how I got afraid.
All I wanted to do was become a writer and a good mom. When I finally put out my first book it was glorious and awful all at the same time.  Regardless of the grammatical errors riddled in my debut, I made the front page of the local newspaper then got fired from my job hours later.  I met several strangers who I followed down a rabbit hole and into an ally where I was left for broke and broken.  I got to know that demons and dark witches are very real and that they don't just exist in a place called the Bible.  They actually reside among us in people we've never met and often possess people we know to do really terrible things.  A few of my scars came about because no matter how much you try to energetically forgive or place prayer over a situation demons are still - demons and the wicked witch, well she's a bitch confused that her power is karma doing her special favors for all the horrible names she was called when she was younger.  The bullied who grew up to be the bully.  Circle of life.

I'm weary now.  Knowing that when you drop to your knees making truth your code, 
service to your higher power daily prayer and LOVE your ministry that drawing boundaries is a necessary but hard gig to swallow.  
People will come at you screaming that your credo and intentions are heresy because you don't believe hard enough, see clear enough or respond to their inquisition about Jesus or the tooth fairy or whatever they feel like asking you through social media in a timely and savory fashion.
And sometimes giving everything you got, all of your blood sweat, tears, money in small or large amounts, your dedicated time on major holidays and space for a baby to gestate your ovaries is still NOT good enough. I'm sorry, please and thank you wont be good enough.
Rocks and slander will be thrown at you. Car windows will be smashed.  Friends and family and friends who you considered family will be up in arms over something, anything that gives them an easy way out.  

I want to write more books.  I want to finish a documentary.  
I want to serve people who want to transcend from mundane to glorious be it spiritually, physically or emotionally.  I want to continue to be in conversation with you and your loved ones who have past away so we can all know that something exists beyond what we have been taught and it's much bigger than we have imagined.  I want to surrender my time and vessel to my higher power so that you may be touched by your own divinity without judgement or theology getting in your way.

But I'm afraid to loose the amazing people that I've gathered in my corner knowing that the people I've lost along the way never gave me a loving thought or accepted apologies I repeated to anyone who would listen because that was my truth and I just didn't understand why.

I'm afraid that when another addict turned sober through Jesus wrapped in an AA blanket condemns me publicly while I'm grocery shopping I won't offer him a hug next time.  

I'm terrified that the fairy godmother will wake up one morning and see green.  That I'll unwillingly join the ranks of negativity and swim accordingly because there is strength in gossip and numbers.

But then Bob reminds me that he didn't believe in me and both he and science have had my back.
My daughter tells me that it's necessary that she spend Mother's day with me because I'm her best friend
and the phone keeps ringing with people who want to reserve space for that thing...I never knew I'd grow up to do.

There it is on the table. The black and white of it.  The highs have been amazing but the lows keep me at a safe distance from pushing harder, faster stronger.

What's a girl to do?

Questions, comments and love is supported in the space below.  In gratitude and 
all my love, 

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