Peace Be With 2013 & I'll C You in The Spring.

Yule, Christmas and end of the year 2013! It makes a girl go all retrospective a minute and I'm about to work through this with you so let's get it on.

The year started off in severe illness. My body failed me pretty harshly or at least let me know what my weaknesses are in the tune of an ER visit and then some. My father had two strokes.
Health and wellness became more than just a tea I aspired to drink.
I even signed up for courses in nutrition that I've yet to finish :(

Beyond any certification, I needed safety, companionship, protection. Hell I craved an emergency contact. So I adopted dogs. One mauled my daughter despite her sweet disposition and love for me.
I turned her over with tears in my eyes somewhat desperate and definitely a bit broken.
The other four legged wonder, well - we sure gave her a good home.
Sophia and I took amazing care of her through obedience school and all the shots and surgeries she needed.  We loved her deeply at every turn.  Even when she ate my knee high boots, Sophia's beloved stuffed animals and everything else that got in the way when she was experiencing separation anxiety.  Meya will  always be forever be in our hearts. We are happy that she is with her original owners now.

This year Sophia finished pre school. I couldn't have been and still am - now that my little girl is excelling in kindergarden - more proud.  My daughter filmed her first commercial but more importantly is reading on a level that exceeds her peers.  She grew and continues to grow like a weed and she taught me that our laughter and joy is more important than anyone or anything else no matter what.

-=I welcomed a creative artist here for a writing retreat.  That turned out to be one of the worst decisions I ever made in my life.  I was so gung ho on relationships being assignments.  I get it - I really do but the ripple effect of the "miracle of forgiveness" in that still stings.  I understand that everyone is a divine assignment but some things are better left untouched.

One of the most comical things of this past year was - that I started dating again after swearing off anything to do with anything romantic.  I met some really nice people no wait, I've collected some really funny ass stories. I tried online dating for two seconds.  (Throw up in your mouth a little, I still do) ......But online or bumping into prospects right in my shop -  I learned however that I have "this thing" about trying to fit my glittery heart shaped box into squares, or triangles or octagons and that makes me really
puzzles.  I love first and ask questions later.  That's my greatest strength and apparently my most awesomest flaw too.  But I've cut my losses and moved away from bad investments because no matter what, in the end, you've got to find people who LOVE like you do.

Things for a while seemed to be on an upswing.  Business was and is in it's own loving way booming.
With that there is this thing - the locals call - the haters - they continue to follow suit.
In no certain terms did I learn that one's fear and hatred won't even be silenced at a community members funeral and no matter how you try to right your wrongs or just be a good person, there will be someone, handfuls maybe that just wont like you.  You can be flexible for nine months even!! - you can be loving, you can be the sparkly unicorn and hope for the best but  it's a two way street and if theirs (the other person) is a one way then you need to walk for your own sanity.

In 2013 - The C Word became a thing closer to home.
It took out a woman I was close to a long long time ago in a land not so far away.
I was fortunate enough to spend time with Tara and a few other classmates reminding me of days gone by and who I used to aspire to be.
At her viewing her husband asked me who I was and I,
in that moment I wondered
the same damn thing.
Then, what seemed like just a moment later
I had my own dance with the she C devil in her manmade dress.
The overwhelm, the fear, the surgery, the recovery.
All in that time questioning, what does this all mean? I was angry, scared, frustrated and more scared.
I understood and understand the divine feminine just a little bit better these days no thanks to my experience.  I also understand that I'm a really lucky girl.

As the wheel of the year turned, my blood ran thicker than water - especially with family.
This very sensitive situation changed my life forever. I also gained family that I took care of me in my hours of desperation and need. Strangers that came to my aid in the form of neighbor or shaman I am forever grateful.  If anything this year was about falling the F apart and being put back together sometimes in the arms of the unexpected.

This glorious town, the place I call home had it's own earthquake in the form of tragedy.
In it was/is a poetic story of civl servant injustice and heartbreak.
My father's words of wisdom of spilling coke over the crime scene became a reality for me.
I met a medicine man who is healing me in ways I didn't know I needed.
To each tragedy I suppose a silver lining.

And now, here we are knee deep in holiday everything.
Of course I'm a year older, indeed I am also a bit wiser. But this year of bad investments has made me tear off my rose colored glasses and see that I am so very grateful to have recognized where I F'd up along with way.  I F'd UP this year.  I made the decisions to let certain people in my life that had no business taking up any of my time.  I trusted, waited, prayed for and held my heart out on my sleeve - as I always do - big time.  It won't change the core of me.
I will still love and be love.  To sum it up, I made investments that weren't so amazing not even 30% on return.
But it's ok.
It's all ok.
Everything is going to be ok.

There are certain things I will take away from this year that I won't budge on like:
some people are worth so much more than a text message.
I also was taught first hand that we should have NO expectations of others no matter what package they present themselves in and sometimes we should also not even have expectations of ourselves.
The only 100% thing we can possibly do is keep showing up in every moment to the best of our ability and if that means walking away from bad investments or things or people that don't ring true to who we really are or what we really value at the end of the day then that's the best gift you could give to yourself  - ever.

I have tearfully walked away from bad investments I made this year.  I have fallen apart more than once and was lovingly put back together.
I'm chalking it up to life and being human.  You win some you loose a lot.
So be it.

With that said, and with love - I am leaving this place of cyber everything.
I'm taking a break from all that is not where I need to be.
Social media is just one place, I know I don't need to be right now.
My heart and my soul need some mending and to grow and to heal so that I can continue to serve I desperately need quiet.
I need solace.
I need reprieve and books and hot water with lemon and this time and this space for healing.

Looking back, this year wasn't the worst I've endured by a long shot
but it's definitely left it's mark in all the appropriate places.

I'll be seeing you all in the spring.
My chrysalis of transformation awaits.
Happy New Year my loves.
Be good to you. Be true.  Be good t one another.

Peace be with you.
Peace be with me.

Forever and ever - AMEN.


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