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Living With An STD

You may want a glass of wine or a double espresso
to get ready for this early morning over share.

At dinner last night one of my friends 
who is recently divorced was throwing his ex wife under the bus.... yet again.  
This particular gentleman and I have known each other, grown together and at one time exchanged vows so to speak of taking a bullet for on another should that day ever come. 
However, listening to him be so down on love and marriage for the umpteenth time 
I had to speak my truth.  "Just because you picked the wrong person once doesn't mean you can't make it better or have better."

I thought this was the most loving, gentle response to his situation.  
He can't seem to make his ex wife not wrong (though on so many levels she was).  
But knowing him, as his friend for two decades and for a handful of years his confident, it takes/took two to tango.

His response to me was devastating. 

     "Well good luck on your journey.  You really think that you are going to find someone to be with, with that thing that you have? Talking to dead people and all your shaman talk and stuff?  Don't you think that when you find someone you're going to have to drop all of that?"

His words hit me like a 12 car freight train filled with explosives pulling 3 tractor trailers filled with sheet rock that collided in slow motion then exploded dead in my chest cavity.  
My eyes welled up with tears and I tried to set him on fire with my mind bullets but I couldn't.

When I opened my mouth, the following flowed out like it had been freed from a cage deep within me and once it left my lips, I realized it was my truth.

"Don't you think I know that I wear this Spiritual STD on my sleeve?"

My friends laughed. A lot.  But I didn't.  
When the divorcee got up to attend to his business, our friend 
turned to me immediately. 
     "You know he was kidding right?"

     "No. He wasn't. Or he wouldn't have said it. Half of what you say is always true."

"The STD thing is hilarious though."  He chuckled. "Seriously, brilliant."

"Yes but it's also lonely and hilarious." I replied.

Those closest to me know that LOVE is not only my ministry but it also seems to be my biggest lesson on every front, in every corner of every relationship I'm in ever: Family, business, romantic hell, even bank teller.

There are deep and dark holes some of which can't be filled with enough forgiveness, forget-ness or flexibility which is how I teach others to bring more LOVE into their lives and is what seems to be my own personal cross to carry.

Then there is the comedy to which is my personal romantic life
which if ever I had a reality TV show dating as an intuitive medium, single mom - 
would be my angle cause I couldn't make this stuff up.  
The hilarity and the OMG WTF is happening on a daily basis ensues.  I shake my head and sigh.
Listening to clients with their romantic problems makes me gulp thinking how easy they actually have it.  When others ask me "can't you see" over my own issue or lack there of the answer is NO.  
My relationships are my own assignments and in each and every single one is some kind of nugget of LOVE to which I have to learn about more, or less or both.  The things I'm shown over them, if anything are usually the dark, hurtful things that crop op when it's time to not fix things with the L word and move on.

My spirituality, my openness and my willingness to LOVE in all it's forms has become or is 
I should say a stigma. (STD)
I won't lie. I've thought about running away and starting over perhaps just getting a regular ole desk job and pretending like none of this ever happened 
in hopes that my own version of prince charming would appear.

And even though I think finding a husband or a partner to share my "holy crap you wouldn't believe what F*n happened today!" would be an awesome adventure and gigglefest of a rabbit hole I'd love to go down while dancing....
the above..the cubicle, the normal...the ho hum
just isn't me.

It's not WHO I am.
It's not what my soul wants even though my 
heart would LOVE otherwise.

Last night stung.
I'm not going to lie.  The men I meet want to keep me a secret, want to find out what I can see or say about them then they ditch when I won't or don't oblige or they realize 23-28 year olds in a six pack formation are way more fun then all this seriousness. 

I may or may not have cried to Katy Perry's "Unconditional" on the drive home. (I know so dramatic!)

Ok but why am I embarrassing the hell out of myself and telling you any of this?
Because it's my truth and that's how I show up for you.
This is who I am, as real as me gets. It's not all dead people and roses and fun!
It's actually a lot of shitty shit, a lot of shitty things thrown at me and I still wear a smile through it
 not because I'm fake and I'm putting on airs in order to make money and get by 
but because I WANT to. 

I want to continue to serve my community and you.
This is the life I choose.
I choose not normal.
I choose Shamans over drinking in bars and
boys with fancy cars and horrible cologne and taste in music.

I choose who and what is in my life right now no matter what the story or why.

I choose my ME - my STD.
It suites me way better than conforming. 
Don't you think?


***** PLEASE NOTE that STD is NOT to be taken LITERALLY.  I am sexually transmitted disease FREE****  THANK YOU.


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