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Coming Clean.

It's always my intention to be fully truthful. Satnam.
The word truth is tattooed, inscribed really in Arabic on my arm over a decade now. More importantly, time and experience have taught me that truth always, even if it doesn't end up working in my favor at the moment of honoring it, even if it hurts tremendously... sets you free.

A truth I want to release & to be present to today is: I am a recovering addict.

When people ask me about my intuitive gift, 
if I was born with it or how exactly it came to be, 
part of my story is very, very  dark. 
As the light started to shine in my life, I tried really hard to drink it away. 
I was filled with fear over what I was seeing, feeling, hearing, experiencing and more than anything I just wanted to be 'normal' and live my life.

At the time spirit erupted all around me normal meant living a very rock and roll lifestyle.  
Working in the music industry and living in one of the most brilliant and beautiful cities in the world lent me the ability to escape from my calling at concerts, in dark bars, over morning bong hits and bottles of wine for dinner.

I didn't want to face that something in me was shifting.  I wanted to be like everyone else in my colorful circle. In this however,  I became more alone and hit the bottom of the bottle horrifically.  
Blacking out at my sisters bridal shower, loosing long time friends and staying in bed on Sundays
with pot brownies to shut out the world became my reality.  

Finally I prayed, no I screamed on my knees for help. Among all the voices I was hearing in the dark, 
I soon realized NO ONE was going to help me if I wasn't going to get the F up and do it myself.  

I quit my awesome career and took a less paying, horrible desk job at a really fancy gym. Soon I discovered that those were only baby steps and the universe stepped in with huge force and put me on a plane home.  It was here I'd uncover how I needed to fully heal from all of my wounds while letting the light shine. I would also discover that my body was more than just to be abused sexually, 
emotionally and physically, that it was also divine vessel for life.  
Stepping away from drinking and smoking pot six days a week was a call that I couldn't avoid.
Spirit wanted to be heard and wanted me to communicate!

Fast forward to now.  I won't say I live 100% sober.  
In fact, I purposefully enjoyed port on Mother's day.
Six months ago I was binging hard once a week when Sophia was tucked safely away with her father. I've since put that circus act aside coming to hard terms with my deep separation anxiety.
Truth is my body no longer wants, desires and or needs an escape to my reality, separation anxiety or not.  My body is actually rejecting foreign substances.
Alcohol makes me very sick.  Pain meds my doctor prescribed me for my kidneys well, the side effects for me are detrimental to my well being and my work.  My body wants to be free.
Joy is my new high.  Being clear is so unbelievably delicious and powerful!  

I didn't find this at a 12 Step meeting.  In fact, I attended a few and felt that those were really awful.
I don't have an amazing, close knit support group in my more sober endeavors and I feel like a lone wolf at times. When I do find someone who is sober and who isn't spitting born again-bible quotes at me, I breathe a sigh of relief knowing that there is balance and consciousness can shift without extreme measures.  I am holding space for more of that in my life.  It's most certainly welcome.

Living a more sober life is challenge. But it feels so much better than wanting, needing or desiring any form of crutch to escape.  Don't get me wrong, it's a constant commitment and some days it's really lonely. And there are other vices that I've found myself leaning on to fill the void as I am on my journey: food, cigarettes, coffee, chocolate, social media to name a few.  Right now, I'm balancing a healthy desire to work out more than once a day to be quite honest because I love the adrenaline! But I am doing the best I can do balance those blocks too in order to create a more loving place of service in my work. This is my personal 13 step program if you will.

The serenity prayer works. But so do little choices daily breaking it down and taking days ten minutes at a time. Knowing I have so much more to live for; my daughter, my books yet to come, my family, clients and community helps.  And working on loving even more, pouring love over myself first is key,
accepting my past and blessing everything connected to my future grounds me. Most of all the connection to our earth mother, my daughter and the ALL through the eyes and hearts of my community sees me through.

Today I offer you my truth not to impress you with what I've done but to help you understand where I have come from. Maybe it's not that far from where you are.  Maybe it's more like a place where you'd like to be.  Would you care to share that with me?

I think back to the me who curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor trying to scream with no actual noise coming out of my mouth vs. feeling the joy I feel in the now;
perhaps that visual alone can provide a shred of inspiration to you.  

To date, I have eased up on my coffee addiction coming off six cups of Starbucks a day to one cup of organic bullet proof coffee; I have severely decreased my chocolate intake too. It's believed that when you give up one thing you substitute it with another......since first writing this blog a little over two + years ago, I've come to slowly give up those substitutes too.

So I ask you, or gently prod you to ask yourself - my friend, what are you addicted to?

As always you can private message me and 
I will offer your confession safely to the universe.  And I hold space for you close to my heart. 

In our oneness, let us heal together.

You are loved, 
XOXO
Mick G






Comments

  1. I'm sober since 2/6/13 and my body is so happy. I find that the pain I experience is never from being "present" and aware, but always a result of a reflection from the past. Thank you so much for sharing Michelle, I feel you
    light
    Jessica

    ReplyDelete

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