Almost a year ago, I made a call to the universe in regards to finding a life partner.
I did what I thought best to do, law of attraction style and what all the 'relationship' coaches
had advised in their seminars and cds: I wrote all the qualities and awesomeness I could bring to the partnership out on paper and felt good about what I had to offer. Then....
I wrote a list of all the qualities physical, emotional and spiritual
I want this person to have.
I tucked it away in a drawer and only thought about it when the pangs of my heart twanged over relationship endings, new beginnings crashed and burned or the people who came forward were hungry for the story I could well, tell them about....them not 'share'.
And of course I've learned quite a few lessons. Some of them louder than others.
Some, so emotionally hard, others physically & spiritually painful but each of them,
if even on a friendship/acquaintance level have definitely cracked me open with flashlight, chisel and gave me a deeper insight to the goings on inside of me.
Regardless of who, relationships are mirrors into our own deepest gulch's.
What we love in another person we ultimately get jazzed up over within us.
What we judge or loathe in another person well, those qualities also can be found somewhere in the luggage that we have in our proverbial closets.
But in this process I also learned to trust what it is I value about me as well as
what would I value if I did open
myself up to a mutual loving partnership
and it's more than what I concocted on some well advised list.
So today I'm going to clear the air, clean the slate
and make it perfectly clear to myself and the universe because I want to make sure I'm heard:
I need not someone or anyone else to complete me because I am complete.
I am filled with love and radiate love to all of those I meet
(even those who continue to show no kindness in return).
While I am honored to be of service in helping others to heal,
I do not wish that to be my primary function in my close personal friendships/relationships
because more than anything in that sacred space
there is only room for fun, love, laughter and trust. I get it now.
My happiness and joy as well as my daughters are vital to the continued harmony of our lives and cramming someone else into the equation is just not appropriate at this time.
So my experience online dating is on a shelf with some interesting stories and memories to boot.
From this day forward I'm committing full time to only hold space for people
who want to be in my life because they appreciate my humor, charm, creativity,
smile, freckles, awesome daughter and not so normal life
as much as I appreciate the beauty and gifts they too radiate into the world.
I will no longer allow anyone to take up my time or space who only want 'work related' things to be our conversation nor will I allow anyone to use me to fill a void within their universe while they figure themselves out.
So thank you kindly for helping me get to this realization.
Trial and error, wishful thinking and all.
I'm good right where I am.
(And ...you are too!)