Sunday, March 31, 2013

You Probably Won't Like This.

I need to vent and
I'm pre- empting this post
stating it because
you're probably not
 going to believe
or even like what
I'm about to say
but I have to get
it off my chest.

I don't like Easter.

In fact, most holidays
kinda crawl under my skin.
It's not because I don't honor what they mean
traditionally or religiously. I do. And...

I love Jesus.

In fact, I love him so much that
I will go to bat for him and say there is
NO WAY he'd declare war "in his name" on earth when his word was to love
and yes, he'd totally be for gay marriage.

But,  I don't like Easter or majority of holidays because of the gross mockery society and  has made of "celebration and honor" in efforts to push retail sales and an economic agenda.

I was trying to convey this to my father this morning.
I don't understand why, when I had a child, that meant somehow I'd  be forced to participate in the gigantic distribution of sugary sweets and or plastic toys made in China because it's "what you do."
Well Jesus Christ! I don't WANT TO!
And I speak up at every holiday turn and every holiday I am being made to feel as if
I'm not "doing my part" or "being a good mom" or "celebrating the right way."
Because I didn't get my daughter and Easter basket (she has two filled with stuff already!) my dad insisted that I buy her a donut or toy because I had to give her something!

When Sophia was born I made it clear I didn't want gifts that took more than two batteries.
No one listened.
I also declared that fast food was not to be a reward or a glorified past time.  FAIL.
And holidays? Forget it.  I can't physically force anyone to not give Sophia material things she won't play because "they had to get her something!"
And lest we forget...the candy!
My daughters disposition most certainly changes when she has more than her normal amount of sugar intake.

So sometimes, as a single mom, it's hard to be heard and to also not be judged by family and friends who are set in their ways or idea of how I should operate as a parent in light of certain events in the wheel of the year.

A wise Sage however, told me that being a single mom
I should develop my own traditions that are special to Sophia and I. YES!
I want to focus on giving and JOY.
I want to create memories with my child infused with deeper experience and laughter not in terms of what she did or didn't receive.
Maybe this wishful thinking on my part won't last long and my own daughter will demand me to conform to the mass consumer train of thought but I have to at least stick to my guns for now.

Christmas will consist of a lot more charity and volunteer work.
New Years will be about making vision boards and family goals like trips, events and projects.
Valentines day will continued to be spent making gratitude lists and writing love letters to family and friends.
Easter will be about dancing and singing and time spent out doors having an experience in the twilight of Spring.
Fourth of July we will take historical trips centered on the birth of our nation like to D.C and Gettysburg and Philly.  Fireworks for sure will be the icing on that cake!
Halloween of course is self explanatory and Thanksgiving I'll continue to encourage Sophia to learn to cook as well as count her/our blessings.

Today I couldn't also help but think about how hypocritical in the name of "Jesus"
people can be.  It's hard not to this week in particular because of the gay marriage issue on the political hot plate and because it came up in our dinner conversation.
But in the name of chocolate rabbits and glazed ham.  Really?  Would Jesus want us to eat tons of stuff that's not healthy for us because his body disappeared?
I would prefer gardening and new beginnings to the glorified sugar and salt intake.
And think about it ...shouldn't the tradition of "dinner" with family and friends in regards to Easter be on the night of the "last supper?"  That feels way more sacred to me.  Perhaps that's a tradition I will start.

Anyway.  WOW!  I feel better with being able to flush that out of my system.
Thank you kindly for holding space for me and my tightly wound feelings about
holiday mass consumerism and the effect it has on society and our future generations.

Take what you need from this and carry on.
Private message me or leave a comment.
I am not opposed to hearing what you love or loathe about the holidays.


Sunday, March 24, 2013

Is happy to be.

Almost a year ago, I made a call to the universe in regards to finding a life partner.
I did what I thought best to do, law of attraction style and what all the 'relationship' coaches 
had advised in their seminars and cds: I wrote all the qualities and awesomeness I could bring to the partnership out on paper and felt good about what I had to offer.  Then....
I wrote a list of all the qualities physical, emotional and spiritual 
I want this person to have.
I tucked it away in a drawer and only thought about it when the pangs of my heart twanged over relationship endings, new beginnings crashed and burned or the people who came forward were hungry for the story I could well, tell them about....them not 'share'. 

And of course I've learned quite a few lessons. Some of them louder than others.  
Some, so emotionally hard, others physically & spiritually painful but each of them, 
if even on a friendship/acquaintance level have definitely cracked me open with flashlight, chisel and gave me a deeper insight to the goings on inside of me.

Regardless of who, relationships are mirrors into our own deepest gulch's. 
What we love in another person we ultimately get jazzed up over within us.
What we judge or loathe in another person well, those qualities also can be found somewhere in the luggage that we have in our proverbial closets.
But in this process I also learned to trust what it is I value about me as well as 
what would I value if I did open 
myself up to a mutual loving partnership 
and it's more than what I concocted on some well advised list.  

So today I'm going to clear the air, clean the slate 
and make it perfectly clear to myself and the universe because I want to make sure I'm heard:
I'm good.  
I'm solid.
I need not someone or anyone else to complete me because I am complete.  
I am filled with love and radiate love to all of those I meet 
(even those who continue to show no kindness in return).

While I am honored to be of service in helping others to heal, 
I do not wish that to be my primary function in my close personal friendships/relationships 
because more than anything in that sacred space 
there is only room for fun, love, laughter and trust.  I get it now. 

My happiness and joy as well as my daughters are vital to the continued harmony of our lives and cramming someone else into the equation is just not appropriate at this time.
So my experience online dating is on a shelf with some interesting stories and memories to boot.

From this day forward I'm committing full time to only hold space for people 
who want to be in my life because they appreciate my humor, charm, creativity, 
smile, freckles, awesome daughter and not so normal life 
as much as I appreciate the beauty and gifts they too radiate into the world.
I will no longer allow anyone to take up my time or space who only want 'work related' things to be our conversation nor will I allow anyone to use me to fill a void within their universe while they figure themselves out.

So thank you kindly for helping me get to this realization.  
Trial and error, wishful thinking and all.

I'm good right where I am.  
(And are too!)



In 2008, I had postpartum depression. It was so severe that I had impending thoughts of doom, daily. "What if I left the stove on an...