Monday, April 11, 2011

Unexpected Guests & Their Advice on Assholes. (2yrs ago today)

When I got into bed Saturday night, footsteps erupted downstairs as if
twenty people had run in my front door.

There was sneezing, heavy breathing and light chatter too.

I looked at Sophia who only moments before had woken up and begged to sleep in my bed.
It was after midnight.    
She too heard "the people” downstairs.  
Her reaction was nonchalant. “Don’t worry Mama. They won’t be here long.”

It started when I was outside trying to build a bonfire.  
I wrote prayers on paper and asked for guidance as I lit each note.
I all but begged Spirit to take my pleas to the sky. 

Then I heard voices and the footsteps in the brush beside me. But I immediately dismissed it as exploring kids or neighbors having a party a few doors down.
Perhaps there were a few deer rummaging around for a late night adventure?
The damn fire would light for only a moment or two. The wood hissed at me.
The darkness around the house seemed darker.
I got up and did a quick walk about, witnessing all of the lights in the neighboring homes to be off.

But now, the same voices I heard outside were now chattering on the stairs.  Rude.
“It’s ok Mommy. Lay down.” Sophia instructed. I knew she heard them too.
I ran my fingers lightly over her arms to stay present to us. She smiled then began to whisper as if in a foreign language. 

Suddenly my body became numb.
Sophia leaned in closer to my forehead, whispering things that seemed like they were from a bad movie. I wish I could have recorded....

It’s when the numbness comes that I know I’m in for visitors.  

The first visitor let herself in my room. Sophia waved to her.
My grandmother waved her hands over me.  My eyes shut to see her more clearly.
“Hello.” I whispered.
“Hello there.”
 “Grandma, why is it so loud down there?” I asked.
“Everyone here wants to remind you that you’re not alone.” 
“Ok. But I feel so alone most of the time. I’m surrounded by assholes and I’m not sure how to walk among them anymore. I might loose it.”
“I won’t say you’re wrong for feeling that way. But don’t let the assholes turn you away from your work.”
She kissed my forehead and told me to relax. The bedroom light turned off when she left the room.  I felt Sophia’s little hand caress my face. “The light is off. I love you Mommy.”

This is the part where I’d like to say “What the F is happening?”  But I didn’t and I already knew….

I couldn’t move at all.  I closed my eyes once more.
The noise downstairs sounded like a small party.
I remember questioning if I had even locked the doors but I physically couldn’t get my body to move. 

Quickly I went my usual route when I meditate. It seemed as if I was being shown all the familiar sights I see when I go to my happy place on fast forward to quickly get my heart and soul to be calm.
Deep breath…accept what was happening.  Deeper breath.

“Hey you.”  He said.  I knew it was him, days before he came.
His face has been haunting everyone.  “Told you I’d be back.”
He seemed in better spirits now – every pun intended.
“Sorry for all the noise. They are with me.” His smile radiated through me.  I had flashbacks.
We talked about how things have changed in a short amount of time. He reminded me that time is here, not there.  He couldn’t stop talking about the colors and how vivid they were where he was.  I should visit.
With that, I felt sad.  Not having to say a word - he just responded.
“She grounds you here.  You have to soldier on.”
“I’ve known. It doesn’t mean it’s easy dude. I’m swimming in a sea of assholes and drowning is not an option.”
“Hold on to the white lighters, the power huggers, the ones that have now accepted you as family.”
“I’m trying. I swear to God I am. Why now though? Why did everyone come tonight?” 
“You haven’t been easy to reach lately sweetheart and good for you!” The joker he’s always been.

As fast as he came, he was gone. He left me with a smile.  I wasn’t asleep but I couldn’t move anything – not a finger or a toe. Sophia was finally still. For that I was grateful.

Deep breath, closed eyes again.

I went to our usual meeting place; under a huge willow tree in the middle of the desert. 
She was there. Like she always is. 
 “You are surrounded by assholes.” Her voice is always majestic yet sarcasm bonded us. “This isn’t new to you. And when they’re dead it doesn’t make them any less of an asshole that they were when you knew them.”
“I get it.”
“Hold on to those close to you now.”
“They are the only ones I’d die for. Really.”
“Things are happening now.  Everyone must find their way, even the assholes.  Don’t be discouraged. Let her remind you of where you came from and why you’re here.”
“I just don’t understand - why there has to be so much pain and chaos.”
“It’s all how you perceive and deal with it - become the watcher. See past the pain and focus on the path.”

The light swallowed her as it always does finalizing our time together.  I opened my eyes. I felt life come back over my limbs  - slowly.  I listened intently to see if I were to speak with anyone else that had come to the house. But the noise downstairs had subsided. There was complete silence now. 
I suppose the party was over....for now.

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