Skip to main content

CLUES.....


This past Monday ...
I woke up a bit alarmed from a nightmare.  

You know the kind where you're running 
& you just can't seem to get anywhere fast enough...
so you try leaping off the ground to fly...
but that doesn't work cause for some reason
it's all in slow motion....
and you're being chased by someone or 
something but you don't know what it is - 
well, that's normally how it goes - 

but in this case - I was running a marathon - 
which is highly unusual for my character since I follow in my 
Father's belief that running is truly a sport made for criminals.....
....I digress....

While I was pounding pavement in this dream...
I happened upon an ambulance, it's doors wide open
the crew members pounding on the chest of
My Father
I  watched as his body lifted, then jolted once more as they tried to revive him 
with paddles

I could hear the cry of the heart monitor
and I shouted - NO!

Someone I went to high school with ran up behind me, 
head band on, large number safety pinned to his chest 
he said
"keep running - your Dad would have wanted it that way."

Clear as day - this mid night movie replayed several times 
throughout the day - enough for me to make verbal note to 
Mr. Trinidad at work  - ask his opinion.
Careful - he said - your dad is gonna get sick.

Wednesday I was working, pouring beer, minding my own business - 
when suddenly an eruption of bagpipes silenced the chatter and laughter in the room.  
I can't be hearing things....not now....was this a sign?

A man entered the side door, dressed in kilt and such and kept his solo up a good 3 minutes.
My chest became heavy. 
I could not breathe in anticipation of hearing the same sound that 
my Father requested for his own funeral.
I choked back the palpable tears not wanting to explain my sudden, visible dismay.

Yesterday afternoon, 2:28pm. I answered my Father's cell phone call.
Hello?
Help me.
Silence.

I ran from my house as fast as I could and pounded the gas pedal 
into the floor of my decrepit car.

Stay with me Daddy, Stay with me.

I found my Father slumped over the kitchen table of pale gray and purplish color.
He could not lift his head to see me. His speech was slurred.
I couldn't make sense of what he was saying other than he was cold even though he was drenched in perspiration.  
The humidity was high - I was sure he was having a heat stroke.

Watching the EMT's enter my parents house one by one 
I remembered being part of a similar scene 
in San Francisco and thinking to myself on that day - 
I needed to be closer to my real family in case anything would like that would happen.......

When I rejoined the room - my father's policemen had arrived for duty, my father - delirious & vomiting.
I packed his things and met my mother who was sobbing in the drive.  
Neighbors literally came out of the woodwork to keep up with the small town gossip.

Driving to the hospital I couldn't help but think of what I dreamt, what I heard. Having this gift - whatever you want to label it - is like seeing a preview for a movie that hasn't been made yet where you get hints of the plot line and just anticipate the dramatic ending....

My Father is doing much better. We had a few good laughs over lunch today. He's back to normal skin color and spirits. I don't know what I would have done, had I not been able to respond to his call - so far away.  

I just want to acknowledge all of those who held their fingers crossed and called with concern after hearing the news spread like wild fire through these here...strange woods.  
My love to  you.

Deep Breath.
Everything for a reason -
As we are all but glorious process.



Comments

  1. Hey cousin just want to say I am so overwhelmed with your writing you got a beautiful gift. Also when reading this "CLUE".. it kinda gave me chills. A few weeks ago I had a dream that your father passed away and I had come home for the funeral. Rox and you both told me he died of a heart problems...it was very unusual. However, being that my mother-in-law had also just died on the 4th of July 2009 I just thought it was my minds way of processing it. I hope this NOT to be a clue for I know what it is like to lose a father so young but just wanted to share the experience of this phenomenon.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Suicide Berceuse.

This is for you the broken hearted.This one is for you who can’t get out of bed and for you who may be finding it so damn hard to return the texts, emails and phone calls from anyone. 
This one is dedicated to those who having a hard time showing up because even thinking about showing up is too much energy. 
This one is for you who can’t seem to move on after the loss of a beloved. It’s for the ones whose days gone by are better than the days you’ve been wading through.This is for all of you who can’t catch a break financially, romantically or dream wise and wonder what it's all for.
The world has an immeasurable void in it. Constant pain inflicted from headlines or bylines is palpable. You’re unsure of your footing on our planet because the ground beneath you is unstable even when the sun shines otherwise. 
This one is for you who have contemplated at least once, perhaps even more than once about pressing the eject button on life. It’s here that you are in good company. It's…

4 Reasons Why Badmouthing Others is BAD For YOU.

I was talking today with a friend about the importance of words.  How you use them, positively, negatively any which way.  Words are like weapons.  Once you put them out there, they are pretty much impossible to take back.  Sure you can say you are sorry but it doesn't wipe the blood and guts off the floor from the initial bullet wound.  Forgiveness is key, but let's be mindful of our words from the get.  Dig?

Here's a repurposed blog to go along with those thoughts.

Everyone gets hurt. No one is perfect. People mess up. Mistakes are made. But the cross you bare when you badmouth someone else's questionable deeds or good fortunes, their life advances or personal tragedies is a very heavy one.

When you engage in loose lip service per say "warning" peers or anyone within earshot about someone or someone's "drama" or perhaps you seem to regurgitate the pain someone has caused you over and over to friends, strangers, clients, family members....wel…

The Sum of all Jitters

Monday, I leave my precious, beautiful and sacred bubble of Jim Thorpe for New York City to embark on my first week of Kundalini Yoga teacher training.  This learning adventure will stretch over the course of the next eight months. It's something that has been pulling at my heart for the last five years in terms of spiritual and physical evolution.


 And naturally with most new personal mega shifts or changes comes a tinge of fear. 
Yes, it's normal.  Don't use my words against me. But the 17 year old who lives somewhere inside of me sits up, batting her eyes so that I take notice.  She thanks me for honoring our future. She is excited for possibility and for helping others, always. But she bites her lip "even though we've come so far regarding our body image, even though we've done so much self love/self esteem work over the years, I'm still scared to wear white pants."

And I feel her..

It's not because I stain every white piece of clothing I o…